I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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