I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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