My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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