I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
