I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
