who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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