I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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