I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
