I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
