So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
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Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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