There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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