I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
