call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
