If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
