end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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