12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
