I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
