I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
