I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
