im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
