My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
