Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
