Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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