I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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