Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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