I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
