the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
