Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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