So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
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