I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
