Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
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I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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