So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
