This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My ass is underappreciated
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
