3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
