My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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