my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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