His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
