i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
