So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
