my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
