whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
