So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
