also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
