The maid of honor just puked.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
