wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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