You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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