Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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