am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
