I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
