Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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