the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
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Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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