Got a toothbrush?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
