I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
