thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
