I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
