Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
