note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm really busy with my period
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